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As a chivalrous member of the Great Pyrenees breed, so dubbed by the Queen of Canines, I will restrain myself from reprimanding you with a full-throated bark, despite the fact that a cacophony of such a threatening disturbance is well deserved on your part.

Instead of thrashing you about for the grievous sin of digging up my garden and unearthing my secret lock box containing my private journal, I opted to sit by my coy pond and meditate to count the breath. Ahhhh!

Now that I have recovered from my previous inclinations more befitting a dog catcher gone rogue, I hereby commend you for both your sniffing acumen and your well-honed skills in digging.

In this reclaimed peaceful state of well being, I admit without reservation that it is with great pleasure — and a most distinguished tail wag — that I welcome you to my beloved country manner.

The thought that you sought me out has warmed the cockles of my heart. I now see it is my good fortune to meet you as you are now graciously invited to venture into my lair.

On this serendipitous occasion, I feel compelled to assure you that in sharing the pages of the previously private journal, are wholly honorable — to amuse you; to offer thoughts worthy of your contemplation; and to delight your noble hearts as you journey through my pages of my Canine Tales.

But first, a certain matter of concern weighs heavily on my mind. At the onset of our acquaintance, please take note of a few important considerations, to wit:

I am keenly aware of your natural desire to lick my face upon our meeting. However, that would hardly be considered dignified. A simple paw-shake will do.

I feel compelled to also stress that common dog gestures, such as the indiscriminate sniffing of hindquarters (whether canine or human) are appalling to me.

As for nicknames, these casual lopped-off and cast about tags require a particular word of caution. Please refrain from addressing me as "Woofie," or even “Sir Woofie.” My official name as registered with the royal blessing of the Queen of Canines Herself, is and shall remain Sir Woofington, Fabled Scribe of Canine Tales, if you please.

Now that we have clarified the importance of maintaining proper etiquette, permit me to lead you in the Official Oath of our noble canine pack.

Kindly raise a paw and recite after me:

“Every good dog deserves a belly rub. Woof!”

Welcome, dear friends. You are now a member of a splendid woof pack.

Yours in Loyal Service,